The ACC Network makes it’s debut on August 22nd. I’m sure a lot of ACC fans have high hopes for the network, Chimp? Not so much.
By Chimp Caray
The Chimp is here to offer the higher ups at the network some help with their programming. I, along with millions of other fans, am not interested in watching reruns of the epic 0-0 Wake Forest/Va.Tech overtime thriller on a loop. This is a 24/7 network so they are going to need A LOT of programming. Here are a few of Chimp’s ideas to help the ACCN get off to good start:
- The Power Hour with Dabo Swinney: Dabo currently sits at the top of his profession. He’s taken down the angry little dwarf at Alabama TWICE for the biggest prize in college football and he just signed a 10 year $93 million dollar contract. This is not why he deserves a show. He deserves a show because he’s completely full of shit. He’s part Jimmy Swaggart, part Jerry Lawler, part Gene Stallings and part Bozo the clown. THE GUY CAN TALK, If you’ve ever watched one of his post game interviews you know this. He loves the camera and the camera loves him right back. Hell, he doesn’t need a host just hand him the microphone and say go. This show is certainly not for everyone, but the Clemson fans and fans of religious tv will love it.
- Cheerleaders of the ACC: Chimp likes the (female) cheerleaders and thinks they deserve some love from the ACCN. The SEC Network wasn’t smart enough to think of this and the ACCN should take advantage. Profile 1 or 2 cheerleaders a week from ACC schools, add in a professional photo shoot and you have tv gold. This will be a hit, book it. Host: Brent Musberger if you can get him. If not Brent then Jenn Sterger or former Boston College cheerleader Molly Mcgrath will do.
- Coach K’s greatest losses: This would be by far the most watched show on the network. My favorite day of the NCAA Tournament is the day Duke loses. There may be some push back from the execs on this one as they may be concerned about pissing off Coach K, but I say FUCK Coach K. Who gives a shit if a few thousand Duke nerds turn the channel for an hour. Millions of college basketball fans will be tuned in to watch this content each week. ACCN really needs to hire Mychal Hunter to host this show. He would grin ear to ear and bring passion and joy to the show. This is the gig he’s been waiting his whole life for. Selling advertising for this will be a GOLD MINE.
- Getting ready for Kickoff: A Saturday morning show dedicated to all the avid gamblers out there. Bottom line, Chimp hates College Gameday and a gambling centric show (if done right) would give Gameday some competition (Chimp is aware ESPN has a stake in this). Get some sharps to run down the lines on all the games of the day, offer a few parlays, totals, best bets and props . There is a huge audience for this. Host: My good pal Blake Lovell.
- Beers with Boeheim: Chimp thinks Boeheim is one of the more misunderstood coach’s in the country. Chimp knows a few people in the industry and they all say the same thing, he’s a great dude. He’s down to earth with an excellent sense of humor. When you’ve coached for 40 plus years you have stories, people like stories. Set Boeheim up at a local bar/restaurant and let him interview whoever he wants, other coaches, celebs, hell, I don’t care if he interviews the volleyball coach at Wake Forest. I think this would be good tv.
- Bedtime stories with Mark Richt: The ACCN has already hired Richt, they just hired him for the wrong job. Mark Richt was a damn good football coach and by all accounts a really good dude. The problem is this, HE IS BORING. He’s the human version of the Lunesta butterfly, he’s verbal Ambien. So all of you out there who have trouble sleeping this show is for you. Tune in to the ACCN at 11:00 p.m.and listen to Mark Richt read you a bedtime story. If you plan on having relations with your significant other make sure you get those 2 minutes done before turning this on. Thank the Chimp later.
- The Luther Campbell Show: The SEC Network gives a penis with ears, Paul Finebaum, 4 hours a day to cater to the dregs of humanity. The ACCN should answer with Uncle Luke. He can talk ACC hoops, ACC football, music and take calls. The producer will need a bleep button and maybe even a kill button, but It matters not. This would be absolutely hilarious. Odds on this one making it are very low, but hey, fuck it. It’s a suggestion. Let’s hope the people in charge of getting the ACCN up and running take the Chimps advice and use a few of these ideas.
Thanks for reading, feedback is welcomed. Disclaimer: If Chimp doesn’t like your feedback he reserves the right to tell you to fuck off. Cheers.